I lost my voice

This blog still exists. I forgot about it and then I found it the other day. And I was like oh cool, I remember this. 

There are no updates about any cool projects. I was just thinking about starting a new blog. Then I was thinking about all the blogs I've had. 10 of them. I've had 10 blogs. So then I was like... do I need to start another one? Can I just use one that already exists?

I mean why not? I can do whatever I want, it's my blog. 

This used to be a place that was kind of an outlet for me when I was working on projects. I wish that's what I was using it for today, but I'm kind of repurposing it for the time being. Because the thing is, the last project was... well, my last one. 5 years ago. Kind of on purpose, because the disappointment that followed it was enough to make me decide that I was kind of just done.

The disappointment is my own fault, because it just is. The tug of war between a need to put something out into the world and the absolute HORROR at putting something out into the world... is kind of unbearable and it felt like it might just be better to not put myself into that tug of war place anymore. Like, give myself some peace by just NOT CREATING.

That sounds terrible, doesn't it? It kind of worked though, to relieve myself of the agony of that self-inflicted pressure. I never really had any intention of coming back. Of trying again. But here I am, because there is something bubbling up inside me that is making me MISERABLE.

I wish I knew what that something was. Like I know what it is, okay, it's the NOT CREATING. But I don't yet know it's face, its identity. I've been trying to figure that out. I've been trying to put a face on it, but it's not fitting. Rationally, I know where inspiration comes from. It comes from actually working. You have to work to get it. You have to create to unlock it. So sitting around and waiting for that spark is a waste of time - it won't happen.

So I decided to try and start doing SOMETHING. I've tried to do some writing lately, and it's NOT WORKING. It's the worst. So flat. Barely even sentences. It feels like an untrained baby AI has taken over my brain. I guess that I'm out of practice and I'm rusty and I've lost my voice, it's croaky and not all the words are coming out. So I have to keep trying. But it, like, HURTS. I can't bear it.

This blog though... it's familiar enough that maybe this is where I need to be. The sentences are definitely forming more fluidly here, as I type this, than when I'm sitting down TO WRITE FOR REAL. I'm definitely putting too much pressure on myself. 

I'm not sure why at this point. I've already proven that what will happen when I finish whatever the next thing is, is NOTHING. NOTHING will come of it, I'll hide it, I'll stuff it into the place where I put everything else. And then I'll cry into my pillow because no one will ever see it.

Those things are all cringe by the way. The Marlo book, the Lifesicle book, the Sixty-Six book. Oh my god. In a way, I'm thankful that they fell into the ether so immediately after they were finished. I'm so totally embarrassed.

And yet here I am, consciously deciding to end this break from creating (it wasn't only a break when I decided to stop - it was forever). Chomping at the bit to try and write another thing, knowing exactly what will happen to it. What the actual fuck is wrong with me.

I'm not going to talk about that so-called project here. I'm not even sure it IS a project. Yeah, it has a name. Yeah, it has a concept that I enjoy. That's about it. I can't even settle on character names. That's a major stumbling block for me, like I can't move forward until I have their names right. Every time I sit down to work on it, I change everyone's names. They have to fit together too, so if I get one name that feels right, it suddenly doesn't fit with the other character's names. It is bonafide crazy that I get hung up on that.

It's not a new thing though, that always happens. It's just happening WORSE this time. Sit down at computer. Okay, Ivy is now Lainey. Ugh. Lainey is a girl from highschool that kind of ruined everything for me, so no, she's not Lainey. She's now Jade. Great, Jade feels good. But that name does not have enough syllables to sound good with her monosyllabled co-lead character. I don't want to rename him... so is she gonna be Jade then?

And that's where I've left it. I literally can't write anything else until I settle on her name, and it works with the other names.

I don't know if this blog is going to help me at all, to get through this. Maybe this is the last time I'll ever be here, AGAIN. Who knows. I have these thoughts and I need to put them somewhere so I don't DIE.

Note to self: Don't forget about TT and VVG. There is something there, you just have to find it.